Pewtermane's Problem Page

Pewtermane's Problem Page

Dear Pewtermane, I am a Flame-bird and I want to be a Wise-hoof is their any way you can help me change? Mia		Dear Mia, We all want things we can’t have. There are times when I’d really like to be a watering can. I’ve just had to learn to live with it. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, I am a tangle-child/japegrin (My great-grandmother was a japegrin.) living in Geddon. I am having a shadow-beast invasion! Worrits, vampreys, my sister even says she saw a sinistrom. Come to think of it, there’s been a lickit hanging around, and he seems rather…beastly. What am I supposed to do?! Ryan		Dear Ryan, This is clearly something to do with your japegrin ancestry. I’d change it without delay if I were you. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, In the last book, Jinx on the Divide, Leona told Felix that since there was another Felix on the other side of the Divide, in a way, does that sort of mean that Felix doesn’t exist any more? What about Betony? Do you think there is a way to undo what the jinx box did to the Divide? Nhui Brazzle		Dear Nhui Brazzle, There are now two Felixes and two Betonies, rather than none at all. If you think about the way identical twins split it will give you a clue – they’re absolutely the same when the egg splits in half, and then, although they look the same, they no longer have exactly the same experiences, which turns them into different people. This is why the last two chapters of Jinx on the Divide begin exactly the same way, and then start to diverge. And no, I don’t think there’s any way to undo what the jinx box did, but what do I know? I’m just a philosopher, and I can’t seriously be expected to concern myself with the real world. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, My uncle has got vampreys nesting in his loft. Is it true you need a vamprey licence before you can even pick one up? I heard there was a spell that would turn them into broad beans, which would be dead useful for a recipe I want to try out. Yours, Lemonie Lickit		Dear Lemonie, Is that your real name? I have my doubts. Besides, I’ve always made it a policy not to answer letters from people named after fruits. "Policy", as I expect you know, is a word that means "a course of action". It can also mean "a piece of paper that tells you whether you're insured against being struck by lightning, or kicked by a quaddiump". That's not the meaning in this instance. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, I am constantly asked to recommend books to youngsters. I’m fairly certain that they don’t want The Constipation Spellbook, or Collected Gutting Songs. After I’ve suggested The Sterkarm Handshake, by Susan Price, and The Lastling, by Philip Gross, I’ve run out of ideas. Help! Yours, Clevercloggs the Wise-hoof, Senior Librarian, Andria.		Dear Clevercloggs, Point them in the direction of The Ultimate Book Guide, or The Ultimate Teen Book Guide, edited by Daniel Hahn and Leonie Flynn, depending on whether they’re foals or yearlings. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, I have two younger sisters who constantly bicker with me or with themselves. If I try to make peace I’m either in the middle of it or still bickering. I’m at a loss. Trying to cope, Danielle		Dear Danielle, My mother always used to give us foals a good kicking. You could try asking your mother to give it a go. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, Hey, my brandee seems to be developing free will; he won’t grant my wishes. What should I do? Yours Sincerely, Mr Higgins		Dear Mr Higgins, Convince him that whatever you want was his idea. This policy works very well with parents, too. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, I am a young Brazzle and I have been asked to fly to Andria but I don't know how to get there as I have injured my wing. Is there any other way? Yours thankfully, Copperwing		Dear Copperwing, Easy-flap do a special rate for brazzles, which is ten times the standard price. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, My left wing has caught fire and it won't go out, yet it is not my time to die. Please help me before it burns like a Lickit’s favourite pudding gone wrong! Yours, Infernobill Fire-bird.		Dear Infernobill Fire-bird, In my experience, lickits often set fire to their puddings quite deliberately – fertle-fruit flambé is a very good example. Perhaps you could start a restaurant. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, If Rhino had successfully made gunpowder for Thane Squill, do you think your world would be put into moral danger? Yours, Jack		Dear Jack, Of course, because everyone would be threatening to explode everyone else. However, I expect you meant mortal danger rather than moral, in which case the answer is exactly the same. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, I am having trouble with an uncontrollable japegrin. I’ve asked him many times to stay quiet at night, what should I do? Bella Brazzle		Dear Bella, Threaten to peck his eyes out. That usually works. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, Vampreys have been seen in the forest and I’m afraid to venture out of the tree house after sunset. Please can you give me some advice on how to handle it? Scared, Lizardroot		Dear Lizardroot, Get yourself a good joke book and a torch. Then laugh hysterically all the way to your destination, and hope like mad you don’t meet a worrit. Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane, Leona the riddle-paw is coming to stay for a few days. What should I offer in the way of refreshment? Yours, Ramona Ragamucky		Dear Ramona, A couple of troublesome neighbours would go down well. Pewtermane

Pewtermane has decided to stop being an agony aunt so that he can meditate on more important issues, such as what, precisely, is an itch? If he ever comes up with an answer he will post it on the website blog.