Pewtermane's Problem Page

Dear Pewtermane,
I think there’s something wrong with my shriek. All the other carrionwings cackle at me behind my back. Are there any courses I could attend?
Yours, Putrifay

Dear Putrifay,
No.
Pewtermane

Dear Pewtermane,
I’m a shreddermouth,  and I’m bringing up my first clutch, but I don’t understand why my offspring are so badly-behaved. I’m a very enlightened parent. I do what all the books say, and wallop them regularly with my tail. My mother used to eat anyone who was particularly naughty.
Yours, Glutton  

Dear Glutton,
Meditate about it.
Pewtermane  

Dear Pewtermane,
I’m a ragamucky, and I can’t seem to see anything in my crystal ball.
Yours, Squalydia

Dear Squalydia,
Try cleaning it.
Pewtermane.

Dear Pewtermane,
My son wants to join a squawk band, and my daughter wants to take up squirm dancing. Help!
Yours, Scratchpen Small-tail

Dear Scratchpen,
Encourage them to meditate instead.
Pewtermane.

Dear Pewtermane,
What’s the ruling on wailing concerts? Do I really have to buy three tickets? I only use up one perch, after all.
Yours, Triffin  

Dear Triffin,
As you’re a triple-head, three heads will be listening. I suggest two of you go to sleep – if that’s possible..
Pewtermane.

Dear Pewtermane,
I’m a one-eye. I’ve recently moved to Kaflabad, and it’s all fragrant flowers and musical birdsong and spectacular sunsets. How can anyone write poetry in a place like this?
Yours, Kalligh

Dear Kalligh,
Beats me.
Pewtermane.  

Do you have a problem for Pewtermane? Send it to: Pewtermane’s problem page.
Pewtermane cannot answer all your queries, but he’ll reply to the most interesting ones.